Motivational Monday – Don’t miss out because of fear!

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You guys should know me well enough by now to know that I’m probably with no exaggeration the worst worrier known to man, seriously I worry/over think every possible situation weather it be something small and superficial like weather my make up will go well for a night out or bigger life events e.g where I’ll be in five years from now.

I can always remember at school I was forever getting myself in a state because I’d say yes to a trip, a presentation or some sort of speech and then end up spending night after sleepless night talking myself out of it and saying no at the very last minute. Teachers and people at school used to get so mad at me because at times it came across like I was just being a let down or trying to be difficult when really it was all just down to me being so nervous and worried that I’d mess up.

I always hate feeling like I’ve let myself and others down so this was like a vicious circle for me, on one hand I couldn’t go through with things as I’d make myself sick with worry but on the other hand missing out on valuable experiences while letting others down made me just as sick. One experience that always still to this day sticks in my head is when I was about 16 I got offered the opportunity to go to Canada for two weeks to represent my school in a schools council forum, I know it sounds crazy who else would turn down the chance to go to Canada with everything paid for right? but at time the time I hated being away from home and I’d told myself I wasn’t good enough to go.

I’d love to say that as I got older and left school it got better but sadly it never, I’ve lost count of the amount of amazing experiences and things that could’ve furthered my dreams I’ve said no to or missed out on all because I was too scared to pursue them. It’s only in the last year though that I’m honestly beginning to realise that if I keep letting fear and anxiety control me then I might miss out on some of the most amazing days and times of my life, I’d absolutely love to travel more and I kick myself everyday that I didn’t take the chance to visit Canada which is the main reason I’m writing this post.I don’t want you guys too look back on your life at missed opportunities with regret because yes life can be scary and we all have fears but we should never let them fears control our lives and how amazing they can be! so from now on I’m going to go out there (even if I am filled with anxiety) and grab life with both hands and you guys should too because life is for living! ❤

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Hip dysplasia – Big Decisions!

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As I’ve mentioned in previous posts I’ve struggled with pain and hip dysplasia since I was about 14/15 with little to no relief from painkillers, it wasn’t until early last year after a fall that I decided enough was enough. I went to my doctors who sent me for an x -ray as they were concerned that I’d do myself more of an injury due to the fall, thankfully I hadn’t done any further damage but they did find that my hip dysplasia had gotten worse as the bone had worn down more over the years.

After my initial x ray I was given an appointment to see a hip specialist which I was very nervous/apprehensive about, from this appointment I was then offered Cortisone steroid injections which you’ll know from previous posts worked absolute wonders for about 4/6 weeks. I was absolutely gutted that the injections hadn’t worked for a longer period and I was now back to square one but I was hopeful that at my next appointment they may be able to offer me something more long lasting.

Today 3rd February was the day of my follow up appointment and all that comes to mind is wow!! firstly I’ll start by explaining that just over 4 months ago when I last saw my specialist, I was told that surgery wouldn’t be an option they were even prepared to discuss for many years too come due to how much would be needed to rebuild my pelvis/hip. As much as I hate being in pain it was a relief to be told that surgery was such a long way off because as with many people I hate hospitals and even the thought of another surgery brings me out in major panic. So if I’m honest today’s appointment wasn’t something I’d been too worried over as I’d sort of convinced myself I’d just be offered some other forms of pain relief.

I couldn’t of been more wrong about the outcome of today, after waiting to be seen I was told by a nurse that my specialist wanted to know did I want a hip replacement, I was just like ‘wow what?’ It was such shock after not expecting surgery to suddenly be told that surgery was now my only option. If being told that having surgery was my only option wasn’t bad enough it then got worse when they proceeded to tell me that unlike most hip replacements due to my disability and the condition that my hip/pelvis is in that it’ll be a much more complex operation than usual, with a seemingly never ending list of possible complications.

Looking back now the whole appointment seems like a blur and I’ve got 101 worries running through my head and about a million more questions than I even got chance to ask during my short time with the specialist. They’ve given me an eight week period to think about it and then get my name on the waiting list but from what I’ve read in the booklets they gave me, I don’t think I’ll be getting the operation due to the high risks of certain things that could go wrong. I feel so frustrated and sad that after all these years it’s boiled down to either risk things being worse or spend my life learning to live with the pain.

Have any of you guys ever had a hip replacement or been offered one? If not how do you manage your pain? Any suggestions or advice would be amazing!

 

 

 

 

Motivational Monday – Positivity only!

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The title of this post is probably slightly misleading as it says positivity only, I don’t realistically for one minute think that any of us can go through life and be 100% sunshine and rainbows. We live in such a face paced world nowadays that it’s so easy to get dragged down by the daily grind of things, weather that be smaller issues like having a bad hair/make up day, getting up late or bigger things e.g work, bills or family struggles having a bad day from time to time is inevitable.

The truth is though that no matter how many struggles life throws at us and how hard it gets, only you are in control of your own happiness. Everyday when we wake up we have a choice weather to see the positives or focus on our problems and be negative, there is a quote that I love and it goes ‘Positive mind, Positive vibes, Positive life!’. Both good or bad vibes are infectious and I don’t know about you guys but I’d rather radiate and spread love and good vibes than be a negative person.

You guys will know from previous posts that I have suffered from depression for a huge part of my life so I completely understand that it’s not always easy but recently I’ve been trying to live by this quote. There are so many beautiful in this world that we so often overlook weather that be how beautiful the sunset is, how cute your baby niece/nephew are when they smile or how pretty the scenery around us is . I’ve truly began to realise now that you can’t live a positive and happy life if you keep being focused on the negatives or surround yourself with negative people. So if you have people around you who thrive off negativity you should lose them, if you see something you don’t like online just keep scrolling and when you wake up every morning promise yourself that you will try to see the beautiful positivity in that day.

You’re all beautiful, special and talented people who deserve the most positive, happy and amazing life so go out and spread that positivity wherever possible because life is too short to be negative or hurtful.

Motivational Monday – Love yourself!

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Any of you guys who follow me on any of my social media will know how much I love a ‘selfie’ almost every other picture on my Instagram or Facebook is a posing picture of myself. Sadly though it seems that there are certain people that have to pass judgement or leave a ‘Bitchy’ comment on absolutely everything, I get told on a regular basis that “I’m so vain” or “Wow you love yourself”. Now I can’t lie there was a time that if someone would make a nasty comment about my pictures then I’d take them down or get really upset but as time passes it really doesn’t faze me.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m not the kind of girl who does my make up/hair everyday, most days I can be found slobbing around in my pj’s looking like an absolute mess. On the days when I do wear make up or make an effort then like I’m sure a lot of people do I take about 1000 ‘selfies’ and plaster them everywhere I possibly can. So last week when I was filming with Fixers and I thought I looked pretty, I uploaded a picture and shortly after I received such a lovely message via Facebook that said ‘Oh my god you love yourself don’t you? Just stop!’

If this would of happened a year or so back then I would’ve felt horrible and automatically felt the need to blindly defend myself but this time my reply was ‘Yes I do, thank you!’ because the thing these people who throw comment don’t realise is, like a lot of people I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life wishing I could change myself weather that be my disability, my scars or my stretch marks, now though after years of disliking myself  I genuinely do love myself not in a I’m better than anyone else or I’m Liverpool’s best looking women kind of way but I honestly am learning to love who I am, my flaws and everything I stand for and why shouldn’t I, Why shouldn’t we all?

It’s actually so sad that we live in a world where people seem to try and make themselves feel better by being hurtful towards others and can’t stand it when they see someone who’s confident or happy. why are we made to feel bad because we’re happy with ourselves? We seem to be told at every turn how we should look or act weather that be lose weight, gain weight, change your hair, cover your scars or stretch marks but why is it seen as so bad to just love who we are? flaws and all. We should love every last bit of ourselves no matter what shape or size we are, no matter how many scars or stretch marks we have. Learning to love yourself both inside and out is a beautiful thing so the next time you think you look fierce and you want to upload 900 ‘selfies’ then do it you gorgeous people, do it with pride because you’re beautiful both inside and out! ❤

 

Trying to change perceptions – My fixers project.

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Everybody who knows me will tell you how passionate and determined I am about changing people’s perceptions of disability, that is a huge part of the reason I started this blog, I’ve come across so many people who seem to have such a preconceived idea of what a person with a disability is like or how they live there lives. So with that being said  I’m always trying to think of new ways to challenge how people treat and act around someone with a disability,  in July 2015 I was just looking around online when I stumbled across the Fixers UK website. If you haven’t heard of Fixers they’re an organisation that helps young people age 16 – 25  campaign around an issue they’re passionate about using a number of different ways e.g short film, poster, campaign or an event/workshop. After looking through the website and seeing some of the campaigns other young people had made, I decided to give it a go and sent an email expressing my interest in becoming a Fixer. You can find out more about Fixers and also view my Fixers profile here.

I’ve contacted numerous charities/organisations and heard nothing back so I was pleasantly surprised when I received an email from Fixers saying they would like to arrange an initial meet up with one of their team to discuss my ideas. On August 7th 2015 I had my first initial meeting with a Fixers Co ordinator (Mariam) which was great, I spent about an hour speaking to Mariam about my life with a disability, the times I’ve faced discrimination  and why I wanted to make a change.  It was lovely to speak to someone who truly listened and really wanted to help me make positive changes, I remember going home after that meeting and feeling happier and more determined to make positive changes than ever! Me and Mariam  emailed back and forth about my ideas until my project was assigned to a producer who could help me develop my ideas into a resource.

On 2nd October 2015 the day had finally arrived for me to meet again with Mariam and also a Fixers producer (Abi) to discuss  all my ideas and get the ball rolling on producing a resource. The meeting was amazing yet again I’d never met Abi before so I spent time with her discussing my disability and why making a change was so important, we then chatted about what kind of resource I wanted to make. After reading through and discussing my blog we decided that making my blog post ‘The do’s and don’t of disability’ into a short film would be a great way of getting my point out there and hopefully help non disabled people end any awkwardness they might have around someone with a disability. Anybody who has ever met with me will tell you that I use humour quite a lot in my approach to my disability so I decided that using humour in my film was best suited to my personalty and everybody loves a bit of humour right? Abi wrote down all my ramblings/ideas to take away with her and put together into some sort of script for my film.

After about 2/3 weeks I received the script for the film from Abi and absolutely loved it! It was everything I’d wanted it pointed out some of the experience using humour but while still getting an important message across. I emailed Abi/Mariam telling them how happy I was with the script and we arranged a day for filming. I was beyond excited at everything that was happening, I never would of thought a few years ago that I would ever be happy and confident enough in my own skin to be making a short film.

On 6th November the day had finally arrived for us to film and to say I was excited would be an absolute understatement! We were due to film a few scenes outside around Liverpool city centre but English weather meant that we had to film inside at Liverpool University. I was so nervous about being in front of the camera at first but after a few minutes my nerves went and I just couldn’t wait to film more scenes. I won’t say to much about the scenes as you can see the film for yourself below, filming was everything I’d wished it with be it was such a lovely day filled with laughter, jokes and amazing people!

I hope you all enjoyed the film and if you did can you please share it so we can get it out there! It’s so crazy for me to think back and look at how much things have changed for me, I feel so blessed to have experienced the things that I have within 2015. I want to take this chance to thank every single person who has helped me during this experience, you’ve all helped me so much and this amazing opportunity for me to get my voice heard would not of been possible without any of you! ❤

 

 

Sticking to new years resoluntions – My top tips!

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A new year means one thing to a lot of us right? New starts which in turn means we set New years resolutions weather that be lose weight, quit smoking, eat healthier or start the gym, we all have things we want to change in the forthcoming year but sadly if you’re anything like me then you don’t always stick to them past January! So with that being said I thought i’d give you a helping hand and offer you my top tips for sticking to your 2016 resolutions.

1. Be realistic – It’s great that we have such a passion to make changes or achieve things but I’ve seen people aiming to lose a stone in the first two weeks of Jan etc.  I’m not saying that having drive to want to lose weight isn’t great but honestly loosing that much weight in two weeks wouldn’t be realistic or healthy. So when you’re thinking about your chosen goals make sure they’re realistic to you and your lifestyle, that way you can achieve them without feeling like you’ve failed or let yourself down.

2. Don’t set yourself too many resolutions – One of the biggest mistakes that people seem to make when setting new years resolutions is that they set themselves too many,  this means that instead of leaving yourself motivated you just end up leaving yourself overwhelmed and stressed. If you set yourself just one or two resolutions then you will be able to focus and put all your energies into the changes you want to make.

3. Find someone to share them with – Two minds are better than one right? Finding someone to share your resolutions with is a great idea, that way if either of you are struggling then you can keep each other motivated, offer advice, be a shoulder to cry on when things aren’t going so good or someone to celebrate with when you smash your targets!

4. Don’t be so hard on yourself – None of us are perfect so when we set our New Years resolutions always remember that it’s fine to have set backs. There are no set rules for how you should deal with your resolutions so just because you might have a slight slip up in January, it doesn’t mean you have failed or let yourself down . Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember that you can achieve anything you set your mind too!

5. Visualise your end result – We all know that sticking to something at the beginning when you don’t see any results can be tough so whenever you start to feel unmotivated or like you want to give up, always remember why you started and visualise your end result. So if your aim is to lose weight then you should visualise how you’ll look and feel when you’ve reached your target weight.

So guys these are my top 5 tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions, hopefully you’ll find them helpful and I hope that 2016 brings you all every happiness and you achieve every goal you set your minds too!

15 lessons learned in 2015

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Wow I can’t believe that it is the last day of 2015 already, where has this year gone? This year has been full of ups and downs so with that being said I thought I’d write a post about some of the lessons I’ve learned this year.

1. Worrying really doesn’t solve anything. – Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m possibly one of the worst worriers ever, I worry about absolute everything. I can’t 100% promise myself that i’ll stop worrying completely but I have learnt this year that worrying about problems doesn’t make them any better for the future it just causes me stress in the here and now.

2 . People don’t always mean what they say. – I’m a very honest person and I’ve always believed that being honest with people is really important but sadly this year I’ve come to the realisation that not everybody thinks honesty is very important, certain people will look you straight in the eyes and tell you 100 lies if they think it’ll benefit them.

3.  I’m stronger than I think! – I don’t like complimenting myself or giving myself  credit but I’ve learned that I’m a stronger person than I ever thought I was!

4. Happiness is a journey not a destination! – I know this sounds just like a cliche quote but honestly a few years ago I used to spend my life waiting for the day when I found that happy place in my life, I’ve now realised that happiness isn’t about getting to that certain place and being happy. It’s about living, enjoying the little things and finding happiness in each day.

5. Some relationships don’t last forever but that’s ok! – I’m sure at some point we’ve all had relationships/friendships that we thought would last forever and the thought of them ending would devastate us but this year has made me realise that certain people walking out of our lives is not a loss at all, the people who I mean’t to be in our lives will be.

6. Everything happens for a reason! – Everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason either a lesson or a blessing.

7. I can achieve anything in life if I work hard enough! – This year I’ve done and achieved some amazing things that I would’ve at some point thought were impossible.

8. I can’t please everybody! – I’ve spent years of my life trying to be a ‘people pleaser’ and beating myself up if someone didn’t like me, only now at age 25 am I realising that no matter who you are or what you do there will always be someone who doesn’t like you but that doesn’t mean you are any less of a person.

9. Never compare your journey to other peoples. – No two people are the same but we do live in a world where we sadly do compare ourselves to other people and feel bad if we aren’t doing what they are. This year has taught me that just because I’m not working, driving or doing exactly what they are right now doesn’t mean I’m not doing well.

10. You’re never alone! – No matter what you’re going through in life and no matter how much it hurts you’re never alone, there is always someone out there going through something similar. There is always someone who will be there to help you!

11. Don’t worry what others think of you! – There are certain people who will judge you or have something to say about something that you are doing regardless of weather it’s how you dress, how you do your make up or who you’re friends with so just be yourself and do whatever makes you happy!

12. Life is short! – I know everybody always says life is short we should make the most of it but this is so true we never know what’s around the corner and I’d hate to look back on my life and think I wish I would’ve done that or said this!

13. Be thankful for the things you have! – We all want certain things that we don’t have because we can’t afford it etc but this year more than any has made me realise that I might not have amazingly expensive things but I’m truly blessed to have a loving family, friends, food, a home and my health!

14. It’s better to be alone and happy then be unhappy with the wrong people! – Too many people strive to be a relationship so much that they’d stay with someone and be unhappy before they’d ever dream of being single, this year has taught me that being alone and learning to love yourself is much more important than rushing into a relationship.

15. Nobody is perfect! – I’m such a perfectionist when it comes to myself, I always try to do everything perfectly which definitely isn’t realistic. We all have people we look up to or admire e.g celebrities but even the most seemingly perfect people on social media have their problems. Nobody is perfect or has the perfect life it’s about loving and enjoying what you do have!

It’s crazy how much you develop and learn in a year isn’t it? Have you guys learn’t anything new this year? What are you looking forward to in 2016? Leave me your comments 🙂 I just want to take this chance to thank you guys for supporting me & seemenotcp over this last year and I wish you all happiness in 2016! 🙂 x

I’m back :)

 

missed you guys!

This week is the first time in what feels like forever that I’ve been on wordpress and the first time since August that I’ve written a blog post which is absolute madness! firstly I want to say sorry for not being around, I’ve missed you guys but also thank you all for still continuing to support my blog even when I’m not blogging as regularly as I would like.

As much as I know you guys are brilliant and won’t expect me to explain myself part of me still feels I should at least try to explain why I haven’t been around for so long, So here goes if you remember in my last post I explained that I’d just recently stopped taking my anti depressants and was finding it a lot more of a struggle than I thought it would be.

Well since my last post in August I’ve still not taken any medication which for me is a massive achievement and something that I’m really proud of, if someone would of told me a few years ago that now I’d be still here, feeling strong and without medication then I probably would’ve laughed at them. I won’t lie and say that every day since August has been all happy because it definitely hasn’t and I’ve had plenty of ups and downs both physically and emotionally which is why I haven’t been around.

When I first started Seemenotcp I promised not only myself but you guys that I would only blog when I felt my content was worth posting and when I felt happy and positive about what I was posting, while I was having a rough time I decided that blogging had to take a back seat and getting myself happy, healthy and things back on track was more important. So off I went and during that time I’ve still had bad days but I’ve also had some really positive and exciting opportunities come my way! (I’ll explain more in another post) the more time that passes the more I realise that I am stronger than I think which is a great feeling!

I’m so happy to be back with my blogging family and hope you guys are all well! x

It’s been such a hard three months..

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If you guys have read previous posts or followed my journey from the beginning then you’ll know I’ve been on anti depressants for quite a big part of my life with not much effect. So at the end of April beginning of May and after a really settled few months, I made a huge but also very stupid decision to just stop my medication and try to manage my depression alone. So this post will just be a quick update post to let you guys know how I’ve been finding these last few months.

You’ll know if you read my first post after a week off my Sertraline, that this was one of the hardest and most painful weeks of my life both mentally and physically, I was ill, anxious, upset, tired, restless and everything in between, if I’m honest there were so many times in that first week that I thought of taking my own life, I couldn’t believe that I had been on these tablets for years and they seemed to have no effect so how could coming off them be having such a massive effect on me? I was so genuinely scared that I would never feel ‘normal’ again and I won’t lie it wasn’t just the first week that was awful, it actually took me nearly two months to start feeling somewhat human and healthy.

Almost 3 months on and am I 100% back to feeling ‘normal’? No I’m not but it’s funny really because I always try to be such a positive person and in my head I had this amazing vision that I’d come off my medication, it’d be really easy and I’d be happier than I’ve ever been.The truth is though early August will mark 3 months of no anti depressants and I’m not in that amazing place, it’s probably been one the lowest and hardest times of my life with so many mood swings it’s unreal, I still have days when I ask myself if going back to my medication would make it all go back to how it was, you know that numb, surreal feeling you have on anti depressants? Now though as I’ve been writing this post and thinking back to my life with medication  and my life without it I’ve started too realise that although I’ve struggled and it’s hit me hard, that coming off my medication was a change for the better and sticking it out will only be for the best!

So guys just to end this post I want to apologise if this was a little bit of a negative post but I always promised I’d just be honest no matter what, have you guys recently come off or are thinking about coming off your medication? let me know I’d like to share experiences and thoughts with you all.

Race For Life 2015!

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If you guys have been here from the start then you will know I walked Race For Life for the first time last year, I absolutely loved the whole experience and atmosphere so much that I promised myself that I would definitely be doing it again this year.

I kept too my word and signed up for this years race about a month ago and was determined to walk it in a quicker time than last year even if it was just by a few minutes then that would be an achievement I was proud of. I’d been training really hard on the treadmill and my time was getting closer to beating last years.

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Sadly though over the last few weeks with all the walking and my recent fall my hip dysplasia has decided to rear it’s ugly head and come back worse than ever, too the point that I can no longer bear weight on my left leg, which too my disappointment now means I won’t be able to walk this years race but I will be still be taking part and completing the race in my chair. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s not how I complete the race that matters but just being a part of the whole experience and raising money for such an amazing cause but there is still apart of me that wishes I was walking the race again this year.

So although like I said a little part of me is disappointed that I can’t walk it, I am still really excited about being part of Race For life again and raising money for such a worthy cause.Good luck and a huge well done too anyone else taking part in this years race and If any of you guys would like to sponsor me then I would be incredibly grateful! I shall leave the link to my JustGiving page down below.

http://t.co/wU7gjEXFJ9